


Hold Me and Never let go

by CosplayAdventures



Series: Hold Me And Never Let Go [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, It gets better I promise, M/M, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad Oikawa, Verbal Abuse, angst with happy ending, but not completely, depressed oikawa, iwaoi - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-21
Updated: 2019-08-21
Packaged: 2020-09-23 03:48:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20333551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CosplayAdventures/pseuds/CosplayAdventures
Summary: Oikawa Tooru. Captain of the Aoba Johsai volleyball club, loved by his fan girls, charming, obsessed with aliens, and all around popular.Those are all titles that people connect to him.Except.Except, he is none of those things. That’s just a mask to hide the real him.Oikawa Tooru. He’s self conscious, petty, childish, unloving. That’s how he truly sees himself. He didn’t deserve anything. He didn’t deserve love or affection. He didn’t deserve his team or his best friend.And his parents would agree with him.





	Hold Me and Never let go

Oikawa Tooru. Captain of the Aoba Johsai volleyball club, loved by his fan girls, charming, obsessed with aliens, and all around popular.

Those are all titles that people connect to him.

Except.

Except, he is none of those things. That’s just a mask to hide the real him.

Oikawa Tooru. He’s self conscious, petty, childish, unloving. That’s how he truly sees himself. He didn’t deserve anything. He didn’t deserve love or affection. He didn’t deserve his team or his best friend.

And his parents would agree with him.

000

Oikawa was 7 when it all began.

“You need to have straight A’s or you won’t have any food from now on!” His mother hissed, tearing his test to shreds. He had an 80 on that test.

“How am I supposed to tell my friends anything about you if you’re such a failure?!”

Oikawa shrunk back at the words, lips trembling. “I’m sorry, mother. I’ll do better next time.” She glared. “You better. There will be severe consequences if I don’t see improvement.”

Let’s just say, there were days where he curled in his bed with tears in his eyes from the pain in his stomach. 

000 

He was 10 when it got worse.

Oikawa’s father was a businessman. He was hardly around to spend time with the family, but when he was he would always have a distinct feminine scent to him and suspicious bruises on his neck. His mother despised it, so they always fought. Fists were raised and glass was shattered.

Oikawa would find himself curled up in his bed with his hands over his ears. He would flinch at the raise of muffled voices, tremble at the screams, sob when he heard the door slam close. His mothers quiet sobs would haunt him into his sleep every night.

Other nights he snuck out his window and made impromptu visits to his best friends house.

He climbed over his friends fence, letting a quiet “oof-“ out when he stumbled to the ground. Oikawa snuck across the small yard and climbed the tree up to his best friends window, knocking with a grin spreading across his lips. He through his sadness and the ache in his heart to the back of his mind.

Iwaizumi would open his window with a scowl and groggy eyes, “didn’t I tell you to stop sneaking over so late at night?”

Oikawa would giggle and reply, “but you don’t mind! If you did, you wouldn’t answer the window. Admit it,” his grin turned into a teasing smirk. “You love me~” 

Iwaizumi glared harder. “I’m closing this window.”

“Nooooo Iwa-chaaaan!”

000

His parents began to drink when he was 11. 

His sister left a month after they began drinking. He wished he could follow her so he wouldn’t be subjected to his mother’s hateful eyes or his fathers disappointed reprimands. Their words always cut into him like knives, leaving him a trembling hollow mess.

At times like these, he’d run off to Iwaizumi’s house. Oikawa never really told Iwaizumi what happened, and he never answered his question. Iwaizumi eventually gave up on his questioning and just sat there with his arms around a trembling Oikawa, hoping he’d feel better soon. It became a habit for them. Oikawa would always find himself wrapped in Iwaizumi’s arms whenever life became too much, and Iwaizumi would let him.

Oikawa was so so lucky to have him. He was literally the best person to ever walk into his life. Oikawa never had to fear rejection from his friend.

Iwaizumi’s mother was also so kind. She gave him treats whenever he came over to study with Iwaizumi. His favorite were the homemade milk breads.

Iwaizumi would always roll his eyes saying, “don’t give him food, mom! don’t you know feeding a stray will make them keep coming back?” Iwaizumi’s mother would tsk, handing a large plate full of her home baked milk bread to a grinning Oikawa. “He’s already a scrawny little thing. I’ll feed him all I want.”

Iwaizumi would just roll his eyes fondly. Telling Oikawa to hurry up or he would lock him out of his room so he could study alone. Oikawa would laugh at his friends grumpiness and follow him to his bedroom, bread puffing his cheeks out.

000

Oikawa was 12 when his parents started beating him. 

It started with slaps to the face from his mother. She had been drinking wine at the time, empty bottles covering the table.

She had went on a tangent of Oikawa’s eyes looking too much like his fathers and she hated him for it. She called him a disgusting cheat and a liar. 

The physical hit had left him shaken, so he locked himself in his room. He really hoped that was a one time occurrence. He didn’t think he could handle the physical abuse on top of his mothers painful words.

It wasn’t the last like he hoped.

Every day after practice, he would find his mother drunk in the living room. Bottles were all around the floor, and he would gag at the stench of alcohol that would hit his nose as soon as he opened the door.

His mother had been waiting for him to return, so she could continue her tirade of reasons why she hated Oikawa. It would lead to her grabbing a belt or hanger-anything really- to beat him with.

He would eventually drag himself from the floor to his room, so he could clean whatever wounds he found.

The next day, he would cover his bruises with makeup and plaster on the happiest fake smile he could muster. No one noticed a thing. Not even Iwaizumi.

It eventually became a routine.

Wake up, make up for bruises, head to school with a smile, volley ball practice, go home, get beaten, crawl to room, clean wounds, go to sleep.

Rinse and repeat.

000

He was 15 when someone finally noticed the truth.

Of all people, it had to be that Baka first year Kageyama Tobio.

He was perfect. Top setter, improving by the hour on everything related to volleyball. Oikawa hated him. He despised his innocence and his natural talent. Why couldn’t he be like Kageyama? He must have the perfect life, Oikawa thought bitterly.

Oikawa wouldn’t let some kid beat him at the only thing that Oikawa loved.

Oikawa had been busy practicing his jump serves. It was almost perfect. He just had to adjust his aim a little more. A little longer, he told himself. Then take a break.

He had jumped too high, raised his hand too far. His shirt rid up. Oikawa’s heart leapt into his throat. He hadn’t covered his bruise by his waist. He assumed he hadn’t needed to.

When Oikawa landed from his serve, he glanced around nervously. No one had been paying attention. His tense shoulders relaxed, and he bent forward to place his hands on his knees. He breathed slowly to calm his frantically beating heart.

He heard the squeak of shoes approaching from his left, so he glanced in that direction. Oikawa squinted his eyes in annoyance at the sight of Kageyama. He had a ball in his hands, but his expression was confused.

Oikawa assumed he wanted help with his serves. “I’m not helping you with your stupid se-“ “what was that on your waist?” The words got stuck in his throat. “W-what?” He croaked. 

His heart rammed against his ribs as Kageyama tilted his head and repeated himself. Kageyama couldn’t know. He couldn’t. He wasn’t allowed. Not him. Not anyone. He couldn’t. 

Oikawa’s mind was reeling and his hands were shaking. He saw red.

Something must have shown on his face because Kageyama’s morphed into shock.

Oikawa didn’t think through his actions, his body just moved on his own. Before he could stop himself, his hand was already flying to hit Kageyama.

Time seemed to slow as his hand flew towards a stunned Kageyama, but fortunately-or unfortunately, Oikawa wasn’t sure-Iwaizumi appeared and grabbed his wrist inches away from Kageyama’s face.

There was a stunned silence. Kageyama stepped back. Oikawa blinked out of his red daze, trailing his eyes over the fist wrapped around his wrist, up the arm and landed on Iwaizumi’s face.

His face was cold and furious.

That day was the first fight he ever had with his best friend.

Oikawa swore to himself it would be the last fight between the two as well.

000

Oikawa was a third year in high school when he officially swore his life was the worse it could possibly get.

His father had started staying home more often. The fighting got worse between his parents. So did the abuse on Oikawa. 

His mother abused him after school. Nothing out of the norm for them.

His father abused him at night when his mother was unconscious on the couch. That was new. It was also a lot more terrifying.

His father would walk into his room at night, tripping over his own feet and reeking of beer. His words were always slurred, but Oikawa knew what he meant.

His father would pull his hair and snarl in his face about how disgusting of a son he was. “You’re disgusting. How could anyone possibly love you? No one ever would. You’re disgusting, worthless, a disappointment to me. You don’t deserve the title as my son.”

Oikawa was used to the verbal abuse. He’s been hearing all of that since he was a child, what did it matter now? He knew all those things already.

What he couldn’t handle was the physical abuse. His fathers fists were heavier than his mothers. They hurt way more, and they left the darkest of bruises.

He could cry and scream and thrash away from his father all he wanted, but he would never be able to escape. Not this time around.

He took longer in the mornings to put layer after layer of foundation on his face in order to cover the dark bruises on his cheek and eye. The swelling was a lot harder to cover, so he laughed off people’s concern by saying his allergies were acting up.

Everyone was none the wiser.

000

Oikawa lived for the days he slept over Iwaizumi’s house. They weren’t as young as they used to be, but Iwaizumi’s mother still spoiled him with food and affection. 

Oikawa glowed whenever he was spoiled, a smile always plaster on his face and eyes shining.

He didn’t miss the concern in Iwaizumi’s mothers eyes as she fussed over how thin Oikawa has been getting. Oikawa laughed her concern over by saying, “I’m a growing boy! All my fat goes to my growing body!”

Oikawa also loved when he got to sleep nuzzled up against Iwaizumi, watching a mixture of Godzilla movies and alien ones. He treasured these moments the most. Oikawa slept easiest in Iwaizumi’s arms.

He always fell asleep before he could catch his friends concerned stare, arms tightening over Oikawa’s thin frame. His questioning may have stopped but that didn’t mean he still didn’t have them. He was scared that his friend wasn’t taking better care of himself. It’s one of the reasons why he lets his mother dot over his best friend. Someone had to.

000

It was on the day they failed their practice match against Shiratorizawa that his secret was finally out in the open.

He still had the makeup covering his bruises over his arms, legs and face. He didn’t have to worry about it fading from sweat since he had bought the water proof foundation.

It was the bruises under his clothes that he had forgotten to cover that had his life end right before his eyes.

The team had dragged themselves into the locker rooms in exhaustion. Their lost heavy on their shoulders. Oikawa had collapse onto the bench with a heavy sigh, rubbing his hand over his throbbing knee-people assumed that it had been from over working himself during his extra practice. It wasn’t. His father had yelled at him from coming home late again from practice (he couldn’t help it. He was too scared to go home just to feel more pain). Oikawa’s father had slammed his foot into Oikawa’s knee to teach him a lesson, and ever since then it just hasn’t been the same. He was too scared to go to the hospital to check for fractures. He didn’t want the nurses seeing his bruises and reporting it to someone else.

In Oikawa’s distracted state, he had grabbed the hem of his jersey and pulled it over his head. He had thought nothing of it at the moment until he heard the collective gasps erupt around him.

Oikawa glance around him with a confused frown. Everyone had their eyes on him. They all looked horrified.

“What?” Oikawa quirked a brow. “Have you guys never seen a mans body before?” It came out as a joke, but no one laughed or scoffed. They just stood frozen, mouths agape and eyes blown wide.

Matsukawa was the one to first snap out of his shock, rushing towards their captain. Hanamaki and Iwaizumi followed suit.

“What the fuck is this?!” Matsukawa hissed, horror and concern shining in his eyes. “What’s what?” Oikawa frowned, glancing down at himself.

He froze.

His heart dropped to his stomach.

His bruises were on full display. They were all a mixture of black, blues, pinks, and yellows-almost like a galaxy. There was more bruises than clear pale skin on his body. On nights where Oikawa felt particular self-loathing and sadistic, he looked over himself in the mirror and he at least was happy that that wasn’t something completely hideous for someone as disgusting as himself.

Not only were his bruises on display, but so were his ribs. His mother had been restricting his food for the past few weeks (at least he thinks it’s only been a few weeks. He stopped counting on day 16).

He was hideous.

Oikawa jerked out of Matsukawa’s grasp, flinching when Hanamaki reached out to him. “Don’t look at me-don’t touch me!” he gasped, words shaken.

He couldn’t breath.

He couldn’t breath.

He couldn’t breath.

His ears began ringing and his mind was spinning. He gasped again, letting a low whine pass his lips when he felt warm hands on his shoulders.

He heard a gruff voice speaking over the ringing in his ears but he couldn’t make out the words.

They couldn’t know. His secret was out. They knew, they knew. A whimper left his lips. They knew, oh god, they knew!

“-wa”

They probably thought he was disgusting now.

“-kawa”

They hated him now. He knew they did.

“-isten!”

They hated him. They hated him. They wanted nothing to do with him. He was disgusting, worthless.

“Oikawa!” Hands tightening on his shoulders jolted him out of his spiraling thoughts.

Oikawa’s tearful eyes lifted to look into sharp obsidian ones.

“Iwa-chan...” his voice came out is a quiet rasp. His body wouldn’t stopped shaking.

“Listen to me, Tooru.” his heart skipped a beat at the use of his first name.

“I need you to tell me who did this to you so we can fix it. I’m not going to stay silent this stop. You need to talk to me, Tooru!” Iwaizumi’s hands were trembling on Oikawa’s shoulders.

Why did Iwaizumi care so much? Why did any of them? Oikawa glanced over Iwaizumi’s shoulder to see that the team had backed away from the two, but they were all staring in various states of concern. Even Mad Dog-chan, surprising. Hanamaki had tears in his eyes, hand clenched in Matsukawa’s shaking ones. Oikawa flicked his attention back to Iwaizumi’s.

“I deserve it...” Oikawa’s eyes filled with more tears. “It’s not their fault. They knew I deserved it...” Iwaizumi’s eyes were shining, anger causing him to shake harder. “You don’t deserve this. This-this is-!”

Iwaizumi’s throat felt tight. He felt sick. He couldn’t understand why someone like Oikawa-someone who always had a smile on his face even through all this pain he must have gone through. Someone who looked at Iwaizumi with such adoration and love and affection, someone who held the team together so well and laughed their insults away, someone so-so amazing...how could he go through this...?

How could he-Oikawa’s best friend for fucks sake- not notice what had been happening to Oikawa? How did he not see the signs? Is he that much of a bad friend that he couldn’t even protect the love of his life from who ever has been hurting him? He swore, if he found out who did this he was going to kill them.

When he found no words to finish his sentence, Hanamaki jumped in with his own question. “Who are ‘they?’”

Oikawa shook his head, face paling. “I can’t-“ his voice shook. “I can’t tell you. I can’t- they’ll-they-I can’t-“ he was hyperventilating again.

Iwaizumi pulled him into his arms. “We’re here Oikawa. We won’t let anyone hurt you, I promise. I’m here.” He was whispering into Oikawa’s ear. It was soothing to Oikawa’s nerves. 

Slowly, Oikawa stopped gasping for air. He slumped into Iwaizumi’s arms, suddenly exhausted. Iwaizumi pulled him closer, shifting until he could carry Oikawa in his arms. 

“I’m going to take you home, okay?” Iwaizumi wasn’t expecting Oikawa’s reaction. Apparently, neither was anyone else because they all flinched when Oikawa started screaming.

“No-NO! Don’t take me back! Please-“ Oikawa wailed, squirming in Iwaizumi’s grip. “I can’t! Please, please! I’m sorry! I can’t-they’ll hurt me-I cant please!!” He was begging now, throat tight in fear.

Iwaizumi tried soothing him but his words weren’t getting through anymore. He felt so useless.

“Matsukawa, Hanamaki go get the nurse now. She can help with Oikawa-San.” Yahaba decided to step up and take control of the situation. He turned to the rest of the team. “Kyoutani, Kunimi and Kindaichi go get the coach and principal. The rest of you, go clean up the court. The game‘s been over for half an hour already.”

The team nodded vigorously, glad they had something to do to replace the aching uselessness they felt pressing in their chests. They left as soon as they had something to focus on.

Yahaba breathed slowly. He wasn’t captain yet, but Oikawa taught him enough to make this work.

He turned his attention to Iwaizumi and Oikawa who had started babbling incoherently, tears and snot choking up his words. He felt a heavy ache settle into his heart. Yahaba has never seen his captain like this before. It honestly scared him.

Hanamaki and Matsukawa arrived with the nurse in toe. They nurse was frazzled and concern was etched into her expression as soon as she saw Oikawa.

“I need you three to step back.” She instructed the two third years and one second year. They did as instructed.

Iwaizumi watched as the nurse walked towards them, his protective instincts kicking in as he watched the women approach. His grip tightened around Oikawa.

“Iwaizumi-san, you are close to Oikawa-san correct?” Iwaizumi nodded.

“Then I need you to listen to me carefully. Lesson your grip on Oikawa-san, good. Now call out to him slowly, he will listen to something that is familiar. Talk about anything that will help him get out of this state of disconnect, then we will take him to the nurse to properly treat those wounds of his.”

Iwaizumi did as told. He talked about everything and anything. From what he wanted to watch on the movie night they planned for that day to how his mom wanted Oikawa to come over because she made a new batch of milk bread.

It seemed to be working, Iwaizumi thought. Oikawa had stopped babbling incoherently and his Oikawa’s shaking had stopped. The occasional sniffle was the only indicator that Oikawa was awake. 

Iwaizumi noticed that the coach had arrived with the principle from his peripheral. They were speaking in a hushed whisper with Yahaba. The nurse had joined them. Probably discussing about the new events that took place and what they were going to do about Oikawa’s parents.

Iwaizumi didn’t care about that though. His eyes were focused on Oikawa. He looked so tired. Iwaizumi felt his heart ache. He hadn’t been there for Oikawa, but this time-this time he wasn’t letting Oikawa get hurt. He’ll protect Oikawa with his life.

“Idiot,” Iwaizumi grasped Oikawa’s hand tenderly. Oikawa glanced up at him, eyes shining with tears that Iwaizumi still found beautiful. It was like everything faded around them. It was just the two of them. 

“The next person to hurt you will catch these fists.” That caused a shaky laugh to leave Oikawa. “Thank you...I...” he hesitated. “I really love you.” Iwaizumi smiled, brushing his thump over Oikawa’s knuckles. “I love you too Shittykawa.” It was actually their second time saying it.

The first time had been 2 weeks ago in Iwaizumi’s room. This was the second. Iwaizumi was looking forward to all the ones in the future. 

“I’ll always love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work in this fandom, so I hope you guys like it. I know there’s some grammar mistakes; I was falling asleep while writing this into my phone. Mistakes are prone to happen, and I also tried a new writing style so tell me what you think! :D


End file.
